Dj's corner

Can't let them see my flaws

This week I am starting my therapy after half a year again. The first homework I got was writing about my values, ideas that define me, and my ideal world. These are quite thought-provoking topics. It does not stop fascinating me how a common question like "what are your values and qualities?" can leave me with no words. I am sure I usually have enough to say on these. However, a moment of hesitation might have proved me otherwise this time.

Next couple of months are going to be therapeutic literally. I hate talking about my plans and expectations louder than it's needed. But I do have high hopes for this upcoming period. I have been hanging in there not bad. I am aware I can and should do better though.

There are quite a few major patterns and types of situations I would like to work on during the therapy. I guess I ended up writing down more points yesterday than I should've but there's one idea that starts "defining" me more and more — the more information I have, the higher chances I will make a better decision. I have been heavily applying this rule to my current part-time job at a hotel. I admit it feels exhausting to keep so much in my head at times. But if I don't, I feel afraid as though I have no control over what's about to happen to me. It is impossible to predict everything in life though. I'd better come to terms with it for the sake of my well-being.

Expectations are a big personal struggle I have had in the recent few years. Back in the day, they did not feel as harmful and decisive as they are these days. Expectations about others. Expectations about myself. Expectations about others' perception of me. At some point, I heard the phrase "the only person you should have expectations about is yourself", which resonated with me in a way. Moreover, I am a believer that if I want to change something, I should start from yourself. How can I demand (expect) a change from others when I am not determined enough to accept that change too?

I would love to expect a healthy amount of progress for myself (don't have to torture myself to death). Speaking of others' perceptions of me, I am looking forward to learning how not to let that pattern tie my hands every time. Perhaps, I will not be able to get rid of it for good. I feel like my empathetic side is too strong not to take into account others' feelings when I face a decision involving another human being. That being said, I could benefit from remembering that everyone is usually responsible for their words and actions themselves.

And for the last category of expectations — about others (family, friends, colleagues, partner) — I am not ashamed to say I genuinely have no idea where one draws the line here. I am used to becoming obsessed with people who I enjoy spending time with, yet it's not good at all for me. On the other hand, I cannot imagine myself being a cold person either. It seems there's only one answer, which lies somewhere in between. But I am proud I am addressing challenges like this rather sooner than later. It tells me that I manage to take care of myself even when I don't perceive it so.

#english #personalChallenges #thoughts