How much solitude do I actually need?
For a long time, I have been processing my thoughts best on my own. At least that's what I believed. In general, a student's life is a hectic one. The amount of pressure and uncertainty is pretty high. Because of that, so many times I had to turn to my inner well of strength. And I usually reached somewhat solid conclusions there.
In all of that, there is also a negative behavior I've learned — isolating myself to the point when I can not talk to anyone, particularly my friend and family, literally for a few weeks. I used to tell myself that it was for the best. Like I needed that time to complete my inner changes. Extra eyes did not benefit me. So why does my over responsibility surprise me, all of a sudden?
I recently told one person that I don't turn to others for help because I am afraid. When they asked me what I am afraid of, dead silence dropped in the conversation. I barely managed to combine a few words. Eventually, I said that thinking about how I start seeking more help from my family makes me very uncomfortable. I've had a feeling that if I begin doing so, I will end up in a place of little control and weak understanding. So my insecure self convinced me it was not worth it. But my hopeful self disagrees. It has been trying to voice its sentiment on rather how important it is to be vulnerable with my family.
Undeniably, there are a dozen of mental blocks in my head while I am trying to make this change. I have been staying in my "role" for the past 5-7 years. No weakness. No excitement. Unbearable disappointment. It seems that asking for help scares me so much because I have "successfully" built a specific image of myself that I am not ready to let go of. I know that changing my preferences in times of struggles will lead to other unknown changes. There is a chance that I will not have an opportunity to go back to my self I have known for years.
What if it is exactly what is needed to be done this time? What if I should burn my written lullabies to the fucking ground and start anew? It does not sound fun when I say it out loud now. It does not sound wrong either.
Perhaps, it is a natural human behavior to avoid pain. I felt it enough when I was still a child, after losing my parents. Around that time, I also picked up on quite a few unhealthy behaviors. So if I am being honest with myself, I feel more pain not changing them. Yes, I may be used to this type of pain so much that I barely feel it, but I still do. I know it is within me. What else do I know?
I know that I grow the most around others. It is important to me to have me time to recharge here and there. However, I should seek feedback from other people more. "Negative" feedback is also useful! The thing is I haven't received enough feedback in my recent life. I have viewed myself as someone who should protect his thoughts. Not share them.
But after all these years, I think I am worse at wanting to stay in my cave forever than I am at wanting to seek feedback. The cave can still feel like home but I would like to spend less time inside. I would like to spend more time in this big world, doing human things.