No hatred, yet not enough self-love
I have had issues with becoming obsessed with other people for a long time. In the meantime, I could not unfortunately bring myself to feel the same way about myself. I used to think it was toxic to care about my own self. I thought putting my needs before my friends' was selfish. Every time my friend found their comfort around me, I considered it as mission accomplished. I guess there were a few people who took advantage of it. But it was hard for me to see it with my own eyes — in my mind, it was the right thing to do. After all, that's what friends are for, right?
When I was starting this blog, I tried to make clear for myself one thing — I do not have to add a pessimistic and dark feel to my reflections so much. I admit it is easier said than done, especially when I am so used to the deeper, more emotional form of self-expression. However, as with most negative patterns, recognizing them in the moment is a good starting point. I believe if one can accurately describe the "enemy" they are battling with, there are more chances to win not a battle but a war. So it is probably a reminder for myself that I need to be more mindful of how I talk about my feelings here.
Anyways, let me pick up where I left off. I usually gave love to others way more than I did myself. It seems that imbalance also had to do with the way I was brought up. Talking to people from different countries made me realize that not every culture worships women so much. In my opinion, everyone deserves to be treated equally fair. Sure, women are more sensitive creatures due to their physiological nature. Women have given birth to many generations. But does it mean that men's value is only based on how well they treat their girl/wife? It sounds as if a guy is expected to love his partner, while he does not need to love (take care of) himself that much. He needs to stay strong for his partner to protect them at all costs.
As much as I would like to someday find one girl and stay with her for the rest of my life (how surprising is that after my words above?:D), people are complex beings. People change over time. This is especially true for our fast-changing world. In fact, it feels like young people do not look for love anymore; they look for worth instead. I might be naive to hold someone dear to my heart even when they do not "provide" me with anything. It is actually the same for friends. Trying to make new friends when you are not a kid anymore turns into a real challenge. Well, it seems that despite how hard I am trying to stay on the same initial topic, more and more things arise simultaneously...
So, I believe some part of my struggle with self-love is the expectations of people around me. It feels like I was afraid to explicitly love myself. Nobody would punish or forbid doing so but it would raise so many questions which, knowing myself, could lead to even more doubts. But prioritizing others for years was meant to come to an end at some point. Last year, I finally started taking those thoughts more seriously. All this time, there has been one thing that I am trying to figure out — how should self-love manifest itself?
If I look at my actions and words around others, I would describe my personality as rather encouraging, understanding, and patient. I do not put my fingers at a person if they make a mistake. I admit I am generally a very judgemental individual, which I am not proud of. But I do not think I have judged anyone else more than myself. It is like I try to be the type of friend I would like to have too, while I am an unreliable one for myself. As the title says: I do not hate myself, but I don't love (respect) myself enough either. For example, there are currently a few toxic habits in my life. I know they are damaging the trajectory of my future, what type of person I will become. But I do not make a bigger effort to change them.
I have not had real romantic relationships yet. Thus, my perception of love might be unrealistic at the moment. But there were a few times when I did lose my mind due to the girls I talked to. It felt like I was ready to go above and beyond to make them smile. On the other hand, when was the last time I was similarly excited to satisfy myself? Is there any at least? I wish I could bless myself with more self-love. I would honestly appreciate it, especially in times like these. But what should I do to actually express it?
So far, I have come to the conclusion that in order to love myself more, I need to prove certain things to myself. The amount of self-love is directly tied to the amount of self-respect. For example, if I respect myself enough, I tend to make better long-term decisions, and I am not as emotionally inconsistent. But as soon as I let others violate my personal boundaries or indulge myself in unhealthy patterns, it begins being a bit disrespectful. I do not want to be so hard on myself; I just want to hold myself accountable. After all, it's the only way forward. I cannot imagine my future without more self-respect (self-love) because it would mean that I have not changed at all. However, the thing is that I want and really need to do so.